Monday, May 20, 2013

Finding The One

Several times before I've been asked about the way in which a person knows that they have found "the one". You know.. that person that "completes you", "the one you've always been looking for".. the "spark".... But the question often begs.. what does that really feel like?

I'm of the persuasion that no one can easily define that moment because when we are really honest about it, true love is not about that one special moment. Love.. true love is about SO MUCH MORE.
I wouldn't ever claim to be an expert on the subject of love in any way.. but I can share with you the things that I HAVE learned to be true.

1. Don't look for someone that you will never fight with.- In a close knit relationship of two people fighting WILL occur. It comes from the way we are made.. each of us different from another, a man different from a woman. It's impossible for any two people to agree on absolutely everything. It's not realistic. I believe that more importantly then agreeing on everything the focus should be placed on how the other person responds to those differences and disagreements. Respect for how you feel and in what way you respond to a difference speaks volumes compared to blindly agreeing for the sake of "keeping the peace". Wishing for someone you will never cry over is both naive and unrealistic... when you care deeply about a person you will likely be moved to tears on more then one occasion.. The person you love the most can hurt you more then most and occasionally those things will happen. The goal is moving past that and becoming stronger together because of it.

2. Pay attention to how someone interacts with others. It's been said that the true measure of a person can be seen by how well they treat someone who can do them absolutely no good and I find that to be true. How do they interact with a waitress or someone who provides them a service otherwise.. how about towards that passing stranger that they have a bit of contact with? In relationships we tend to put our best foot forward.. we show only the very best of ourselves in order to look good and be liked.. but in reality there are hidden things about ourselves under the surface that we aren't allowing others to see right away. We all have those things about us... big or small.. and it's important to learn those things about each other before taking a bigger step. You will never know everything about a person.. it's always a learning process, but how a person treats others is often a better indicator of their true self then how they treat the person they are trying to impress (In this case.. you).

3. Don't assume their won't be others you're attracted to. Loving someone.. truly loving someone is a choice. It's true that we can't necessarily help who we fall for but who we choose to love is another thing all together. There will be other people who you find attractive and interesting.. people who in a different situation you may have pursued a relationship with but loving someone is about making the choice to, above all, love and be with the person you are with. If you allow yourself to be distracted by other things and lose focus on your relationship.. you will. If you don't put time into your relationship and make the choice to remain committed to that person then undoubtedly your relationship will have issues. The beauty of loving someone is that although either of you could likely be with someone else.. or be happy in another relationship you have both committed to being happy with each other. You choose to love... so ask yourself... can you make that choice with this person every day? ..and can they make that choice for you?

4. Don't be distracted by infatuation. Falling in love is wonderful.. No one can deny that. But love.. real love goes beyond that. I don't know who said it... but I love this quote.. "Love is not breathtaking, it's not excitement.. That's just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves that we are. Love is what's leftover after 'being in love' has faded away." Infatuation blinds us makes us think that everything about a person is perfect.. That's NEVER true.

5. Look for someone who gives freely without the promise of return. In relationships you will always have ups and downs, not only as a couple but as individuals. You will have days where you can't give a drop of yourself.. and so will the person you are with. We all need to have people on our lives who will do what we need without being asked... without knowing that the favor will be returned. I'm reminded of the lyrics of the song by "The Band Perry"... 'Would you walk to the edge of the ocean.. just to fill my jar with sand.. Just in case I get the notion to let it run through my hands?' There is something beautiful about doing something for someone purely because you know the other person appreciates it. There's no lasting effect of bringing your girlfriend a jar of sand.. especially if she just spills it through her fingers.. but the point is that it makes her happy. It doesn't have to make sense to you in any way.. it's doing it because you know the happiness it will bring. Go out of your way for the person you love and see that they do the same for you. Those kinds of things make love last.

There's more to be said.. I'm sure of it.. but these are my "two cents". What are your tips? Love is learning.. love takes time and it costs a lot. Love needs encouragement from within and from the outside.. I believe that the best couples have amazing support systems both found in each other and the people around them... so what helps you? I'd love your input! :)

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